Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
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When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”