Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids