The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
You Might Also Like
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong