You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
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Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
This bar smells like my childhood.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins