Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
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ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”