Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.