“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Well, that didn’t work.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp