They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.