if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
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building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.