my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
You are what you delete.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot