Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?