Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I think I’ll stand
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
you stereotypes are all alike
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN