Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Nothing.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*