My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.