my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
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Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog