Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
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ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.