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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Muppet Screams
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat