My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.