@joeljeffrey

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

@joeljeffrey

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

@joeljeffrey

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

@joeljeffrey

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

@joeljeffrey

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

@joeljeffrey

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

@joeljeffrey

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

@joeljeffrey

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

@joeljeffrey

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

@joeljeffrey

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.