@joeljeffrey: Me: I can't come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
@joeljeffrey: [me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I've got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
@joeljeffrey: Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
@joeljeffrey: My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
@joeljeffrey: I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can "sneak by you", but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren't sneaky at all.
@joeljeffrey: I saw a sign that said "bridge subject to icing" and I thought "that sounds delicious"
@joeljeffrey: I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
@joeljeffrey: You know you're old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
@joeljeffrey: They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I've spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron