Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”