Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.