@joeljeffrey

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

@joeljeffrey

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

@joeljeffrey

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

@joeljeffrey

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

@joeljeffrey

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

@joeljeffrey

I’m glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.

@joeljeffrey

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

@joeljeffrey

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

@joeljeffrey

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

@joeljeffrey

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.