You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I’m glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.