My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I have a stalker now and it’s super creepy. She shows up wherever I go… her house, her job, the women’s restroom. I don’t know what to do.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?