@joeljeffrey: Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
@joeljeffrey: I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
@joeljeffrey: Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
@joeljeffrey: Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
@joeljeffrey: A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone... it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
@joeljeffrey: Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
@joeljeffrey: You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it's acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
@joeljeffrey: I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what's going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.