No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
? 💀
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
inventing words: clothing
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*