I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
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[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I have never related to anyone more.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
sry
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem