If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
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I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.