The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
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I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
dam girl
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
welcome back
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.