“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
there’s a phone number
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.