I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I bet birds love this building.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes