PLOT TWIST:
You Might Also Like
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Florida be like…
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor