Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Oh we’ve met.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ