Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
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People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
My wedding will be open casket.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*