Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
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I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Said the murderer.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day