Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
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After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
my name if I was in the mob
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money