A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
britain’s three elite institutions
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide