I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
i spent way too long on this
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.