A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
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I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.