@jollyrobber

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

@jollyrobber

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

@jollyrobber

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

@jollyrobber

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

@jollyrobber

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

@jollyrobber

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

@jollyrobber

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

@jollyrobber

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

@jollyrobber

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

@jollyrobber

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.