If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.