The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.