@jollyrobber

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

@jollyrobber

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

@jollyrobber

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

@jollyrobber

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

@jollyrobber

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

@jollyrobber

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

@jollyrobber

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

@jollyrobber

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.