Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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work smarter, not harder
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.