I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
barbara was highly relatable
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.