“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
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The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m literally crying
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs