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I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
All excellent questions
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?