‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.