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Page of jordan_stratton's best tweets

@jordan_stratton : Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it's "depression”

@jordan_stratton: Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

@jordan_stratton: The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

@jordan_stratton: My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

@jordan_stratton: I can't imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, "Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again."

@jordan_stratton: Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

@jordan_stratton: Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I'm like, "Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education"

@jordan_stratton: Don't be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

@jordan_stratton: *drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

@jordan_stratton: *coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.