*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.