@jordan_stratton

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

@jordan_stratton

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

@jordan_stratton

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

@jordan_stratton

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

@jordan_stratton

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

@jordan_stratton

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

@jordan_stratton

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

@jordan_stratton

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

@jordan_stratton

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

@jordan_stratton

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.