SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.