self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
dads on road-trips be like
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!