I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
You Might Also Like
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count