Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Probably my best painting.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
They did not think through this water fountain
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying