“our sushi is very fresh”
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I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
😬
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun