@joshandbeyond

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

@joshandbeyond

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

@joshandbeyond

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.