Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
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I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Strange
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.