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Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
this is literally a CIA plant
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
The Assassin.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.